Have you ever felt like you could be a better person if you weren’t surrounded by familiar faces who hate it if you so much as did your hair differently?
I have. I studied in the same school from kindergarten to Grade 12, and I have felt burdened by prejudices and preconceived notions of the people around me, who’d known me for ages. I kept thinking that my past was getting in the way of true progress, and that nobody could perceive me any differently than how I might have been five or ten years ago.
So I waited. Impatient for school to get over, not because I hated it – I had amazing friends (still do) and teachers there – but so I could go to a different environment and become the bold, trendy and popular woman I knew I could be, and wanted to be.
So after school, I left the country I’d lived in my entire life. I flew to my home country (not entirely by choice, but that’s another story) and went to a college where nobody knew me. There were no acquaintances, no family, absolutely nothing with a link to my past. Yay! Time to test run my 2.0 version.
I enthusiastically began to start conversations instead of being pulled into one, made a lot of acquaintances and talked about their lives and their pasts. I pretended to listen and care about their day, and other people’s lives (which they were more eager to share).
Suffice to say it didn’t work. I slowly started retreating into the person I was at school – shy and socially awkward and out-of-place. I realized that I don’t want to make small talk – I need meaningful discussions to truly engage myself in a conversation. The tags of ‘bookworm’ and ‘nerd’ and ‘genius’ didn’t go away either. Not entirely surprising as you could always find me with a book in my hand to escape the mindless chatter a lot of people are fond of. I was also the most travelled of the lot, had the most marks in high school, and a passion for learning none of my peers were fond of.
Slowly it dawned to me that I wasn’t trying to start anew. It wasn’t familiarity that hindered my progress, it was the fact that I had to compromise my personality for a fantasy. And when I realized that, I knew I couldn’t do that – I love me (if that wasn’t already obvious from the heavy usage of I, me and myself in anything I write). Sure, there are times (a lot of times) when I’m struck with inferiority complex and low self-esteem and existential crisis breakdowns. But for all that I am and all that I am not, there is nobody I would want to be other than me.
No more running away from me.
dumbnerd 
So young and so wise, you already know that the best is to be true to yourself. Sometimes it takes many many years for people to figure that out. I too am not fond of small talk in social settings, maybe that’s why I love writing. I also say I like animals and books more than people😄 Your 2.0 version already has a head start among the rest. Nice post.
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It’s the one thing I value above all – being true to myself. It’s hard at times, but I try.
Yay, a kindred spirit. It’s always nice to find one.
And thanks so much for your kind words. 😀
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It can be very hard to admit that we might have a problem, or that we take issue with something someone else has said or done.That’s one reason why so many folks find it hard to be honest with other people, not to mention with themselves. It’s a lot easier to nod accordingly and not offer our true opinion on something that we might disagree with. In fact, it takes great courage to be frank and honest, not only with ourselves, but also with others. But like all habits, this is one that can be cultivated by simply saying what we mean. It needn’t mean that we have to be rude or impolite when saying what we mean, but we need to practice saying the truth with confidence and an inner fortitude. Surprisingly, and more often than not, although, other people are taken a back by what we might say when we are honest, they also find themselves wishing that they themselves were as honest and straightforward. You are to be applauded for avoiding engaging in small talk, and you should be proud of yourself. :O)
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So true. There is so much pressure to do a lot of things to be considered normal and part of the ‘society’. And many times people conform to those norms even though they don’t want to.
I just wish that people realize that it’s okay to be different and take a stand for themselves, like you said. And I hope I can be a part of that change, in any way possible.
Your take on this is truly amazing. Thank you for sharing. 😀
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My pleasure. ‘o)
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